maggie

Maggie's weekly lick report

Dad says I should “keep track of things” so I’ve started a report. It’s about licks. I do a lot of them, so it’s important someone keeps count.

Mum: Lots. Mostly hands during couch o’clock. She says “yuck” but she’s smiling when she says it, so I’ve counted it as a success.

Dad: One big one right on the ear when he bent down to put my lead on. He made a noise like a startled cockatoo. Ten out of ten, would lick again.

Bailey: Three licks on the face after zoomies. He didn’t notice. He was too busy panting.

Children: Every single one I was allowed near. Children taste like biscuits and sunscreen and fun. They always giggle, and sometimes they give me their ball afterwards, which makes licking children the smartest thing a dog can do.

Strangers: Zero. Dad has a rule. I think the rule is silly, but I respect Dad.

The couch: A few. Don’t tell Mum.

My own paws: Countless. That’s personal business.

Some people ask why I lick. Well, how else are you meant to say “I love you,” “you’re my favourite” and “is that a biscuit?” all at the same time? Barking is too loud. Wagging only works if they’re looking at your bum. A lick gets the message across straight away.

Bailey says licking is “a bit much.” Bailey does laps of the park until he falls over. We all have our things.

Tune in next week for another lick report. I’m aiming for a new record.