bailey

The rules of zoomies, by Bailey

People think zoomies are random. They are not. Zoomies are a sport, and like every sport, there are rules. As the house’s leading zoomies expert, I’d like to set the record straight.

Rule 1: Size matters. I only zoom with dogs about my size. This isn’t me being fussy, it’s safety. Tiny dogs dart under your legs and you have to stop suddenly, and stopping suddenly is the opposite of zooming. Giant dogs take one stride for every three of mine and then just stand there looking pleased with themselves. No thank you.

Rule 2: The play bow is a contract. Front legs down, bum up. That means “zoomies are about to happen, and you’re invited.” Once the bow has been done, there’s no going back.

Rule 3: Laps, not lines. Real zoomies go in big loops. Round the tree, back past Dad, round the tree again. Straight lines are just running, and running is for dogs who have somewhere to be.

Rule 4: Nobody wins. We chase, then we swap and the other dog chases. It keeps going until both our tongues are hanging out sideways. That’s the end, and everyone’s a winner.

Rule 5: Mum and Dad may watch but must not interfere. Dad sometimes says “Bailey! BAILEY!” in the middle of a lap. I can hear him. I’m choosing to finish the lap. That’s just good sportsmanship.

Maggie doesn’t really follow the rules. She’ll join in for one loop, then find a ball and forget all about it. I’ve accepted this about her.

If you see me at the park and you’re a dog about my size, give me a play bow. I’ll know what it means.